False Fate and Real Hatred
by ilovebotdf111
Summary: An epic adventure that spans generations, this story deals with heavy themes such as love, loss, and retribution. When one man realizes that he's different from the others, he sets out on an epic and horrifying quest to find where his life took a wrong turn.
1. Prelude to War: Extermination

The gallows in my garden, people say,  
Is new and neat and adequately tall;  
I tie the noose on in a knowing way  
As one that knots his necktie for a ball;  
But just as all the neighbours on the wall  
Are drawing a long breath to shout "Hurray!"  
The strangest whim has seized me. . . After all  
I think I will not hang myself to-day.

\- G.K. Chesterton

**FALSE FATE AND REAL HATRED**

My name is D'Artagnan Thibodeaux and I'm "Shit!" I exclaimed as I shot my load into the prostitute. "That was amazing." I dismounted the working-girl and laid down beside her. "Was it as good 3u as it was 5me?" I asked, breathing heavily. The prostitute looked over at me and with a straight face sniffed the air, breathing deeply into her nostrils.

"You shit the bed again, D'Artagnan." she said, through clenched TEETh. I got out of bed and searched through the blankets, and sure enough, there was a pristine turd that I shit out of my ASS. In my excitement, I never realized that the pickle-sized nugget of ass-gold fell out of my butt and was nested between the buttcheeks of our loved ones.

All at once I felt the embarrassment come on. I remembered what happened. I recall the prostitute saying "You shit the bed again, D'Artagnan." she said, through clenched TEETh. I got out of bed and searched through the blankets, and sure enough, there was a pristine turd that I shit out of my ASS. In my excitement, I never realized that the pickle-sized nugget of ass-gold fell out of my butt and was nested between the buttcheeks of our loved ones.

This always seems to happen when I blow my load. It's happened ever since I was a little baby. I was renowned throughout the province of Nebraska for having the shortest dick but largest load. It was something that I held dear, until I was cursed to always shit when I blew.

This reminds me about the story that my father used to tell me, about when he joined the Nazi Regime in 1942 and made it his mission to fondle cock. While he was pleasing the higher-ups with his supple tongue, he fell in love with a transexual by the name of Eva Sukodik, and they ate each other ever since. Then I CAME along and drove my parents to suicide.

But that's another story. I came out of the flashback suddenly to find myself with my fist down the girl's throat, turd in hand. She was dead. I can only assume that she died of a broken heart.

Police sirens echoed through the streets. I wasn't worried, ass at the moment I had no knowledge that they were CUMMING 4 me.

The police orgy ended at around 3:00, and the sirens dispersed and faded until finally I could no longer hear them. I wasn't tired, so I went for a walk. Cum littered the streets in large puddles of cum littered the streets in large puddles of CUM littered the streets in large puddles of CUM LITTERED THE STREETS IN LARGE PUDDLES.

It was then that I realized that cum littered the streets in large puddles.


	2. Prelude to War: The Road to Discovery

Upon my shocking discovery, I made a beeline to the strip club. I was both turned ON and DISGUSTED and FUCKING SHIT I HAD TO SHIT! This obviously could only mean one thing: I came. Luckily the stripper girls had all sorts of fetishes that were both gross and less demeaning. This one girl I knew was a lesbian. She wasn't one of the strippers, but I think that it's important to know, since I'm getting things off my chest and we're all just slinging shit.

And honestly this all makes me remember a dark time in my life. It was the first time I ever came, which was coincidentally the first time I ever shit. Yeah, I remember it like it was yesterdTITANFALL OUT NOW ON XBOX ONE!ay.

I was fifteen years old, and I was at my girlfriend's sweet 16 party. Man she was a cougar fuckin hot though holy shit. She decided that for her birthday present she wanted me to cum on her. I thought, "no" but then she grabbed my calk and started to suck my calk and then put her titz on my calk. I blew in no time, but sadly I also blew chunks of diarrhea out of my (at the moment) tight asshole.

I didn't think anything of it- I always thought it was a natural occurrence- and I went on with the celebration. But as the party drew to a close and more and more people started to leave I realized that my girlfriend never moved from her spot ever since I came. After the last couple left, I walked slowly to over to my girlfriend. Someone put a used condom on her face (alright you caught me it was me lol) so I had to muster up my moxy and move it.

alliteration.

What I saw slightly shocked me but upon retrospection really didn't because of all the foreshadowing. My girlfriend was dead, a pristine turd in her mouth. She died of asphyxiation. Why she didn't attempt to get help, we'll never know. I immediately came and then I was brought to the conclusion that I was the one that killed her. I accidently killed the love of my life on her birthday because she wanted some cum. Talk about some hard sex. Some of you may be asking, "where were her parents when all of this was happening?", and all I have to say to you people is that you will make great parents one day.

So now I had committed my first murder at the age of fifteen, and I came to a startling conclusion: whenever I cum, I kill. You know, using my shit. And you know, looking back, I don't understand how I wasn't caught as a suspect to these murders as there's certainly a lot of evidence. There's my semen, my feces, my hair, just a plethora of good stuff that can easily catch a killer. But no, logic just doesn't seem to be a major theme in this here story.


	3. Existentialism and a Key to Flexibility

Ass I sat there in the strip club, there were many moments where I thought I was going to cum, and none of those moments were exactly opportune. Honesty I don't even know why I went to a strip club considering how every time I cum, I murder with my own shit. So I made the decently logical decision to leave the strip club before anything happened. Well at least that was the idea before something really DID happen.

A girl name Jade Topaz Emerald Ruby Opal Sapphire Crystal- it was actually her birth name- came over to me and sat down on my lap before I had the chance to leave. At this point I already had a raging b0ner and this girl was in serious danger.

"Hey honey, would you like a private dance?" she asked while her nipples hung tantalizingly in front of my eyes. I looked at them and then looked into her eyes. I had an idea. "Yeah, sure." I responded as detached as possible in order to make me seem cool. She escorted me to the back of the club where the private dances were held, and she threw me onto a couch and stripped completely naked. Her tight supple purse was right next to me, and her pert round asymptote equation sheet was halfway completed. I knew I didn't have much time until I blew.

She sat down on my lap, got back up, and sat back down. Then she got back up, and sat back down again. She stood up and sat down again. I realized she was doing this because my boner was sticking straight up and kept entering her, so I was basically fucking her through my jeans. LEVI'S 50% AT WALMART! Her puss reddened and became raw from the fabric, and she was visually frustrated. Now was a good time to start my plan.

"Hey, baby, don't strain yourself. If it hurts stop doing it." I said. She continued. Shit! My plan didn't work. So, time for plan B. I couldn't let myself cum, so I grabbed the whore by her hair and threw her across the strip club, crashing through tables and shattering glass. The guards opened fire on my position, but luckily the strip club was blaring Raimin Djawadi so my reaction times were near superhuman. I ran into the security office and stole a shotgun off the rack of some girl who I guess wasn't good enough to be dancing.

I ran outside, firing whilst I was moving to cover. I managed to clip a guard's shoulder, and he went careening backwards for some reason even though the bullet technically didn't hit him. More and more guards started to pour into the room, and they were all trying to reach the telephone in the middle of the club to call for back up. In the age of cellular devices, strip clubs are still one step behind.

I managed to down a few of the guards with a well-aimed blASSt from my shotgun, which slowed their progress. Before I could shoot the telephone to disable it, my gun jammed and the guards were able to dial in 666. Yes! They dialed the wrong number, and now was my chance. I quickly vaulted over my cover and retrieved a pistol from one of the downed guards. I dodged bullets left and right, and I dove behind the bar. I popped my head out of cover and shot two guards in the head. As they went down, their bodies reacted to the shock by squeezing the triggers. The two bullets from the dying men's guns managed to hit a guard in the tibia and fibula of his right leg (anatomy lol), disabling him.

But my luck ran out as realized that I HAD TO SHIT!11! As I was concentrating on keeping myself from shitting, the guards flanked my position and surrounded me. Each guard was aiming at my head, and I felt as though I was in a bukkake, only with bullets instead of cum.

"Put your weapon down, asshole!" one of them shouted angrily, and I quickly CUMplied. A guard came over and kicked my gun away and whipped me in the nose with his BIG GUN. Blood shot out of my nose all over a stripper's breasts, and, upon seeing this, I came.

I couldn't control myself, by now, the curse had taken me over. I was like a super-villain to them, and the poor bastards had no idea what they were up against. I slung shit like a monkey into each of the guard's mouths, and as they were choking I quickly ended them by breaking their necks. It all happened so fast that they simply couldn't react.

The stripper with my blood on her tits ran from me and started screaming as I approached her. In reality I just wanted to thank her, because I probably would be rotting in jail if it wasn't for her. I pulled out my wallet and gave her three whole dollars as a thank-you, and I searched the joint for Jade, as I wanted to apologize for throwing her across the room.

When I finally found her, it was easy to see that she was dead as a doorknob, but not from me. She tried to escape the club during the firefight, and she was caught in the crossfire. Luckily it wasn't a painful death, as she was hit 3 times in the left knee (alright that's awful) and fell on top of a nail-studded baseball bat, shattering her anus (okay that's horrible). It was the bat that killed her, and there's not really a more peaceful way to go (I just say these things I'm actually really torn up about it).

My plan had worked. I had avoided cumming (nope) with a minimal amount of bloodshed (can someone say "unreliable narrator" lol). I left the strip club in haste and hopped aboard a subway train. I needed to find out why I was cursed in such a manner, so I needed to talk with an old gay lover friend.


	4. The Hard Truth

I came! There! I said it you fuckin' motherfucker! I came on the floor!


End file.
